Finding My Father

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Fight for My Father

BBC Radio 4 - Finding My Father

Sue Mitchell reports on how loneliness and cognitive decline leaves people open to abuse

This is a remarkable story that has never been reported. It is being told now in the hope that the family can ensure systems are improved so that others do not suffer as they did.

This is a remarkable true story of how an elderly former engineer met a new partner, who eventually put in a care home without telling his family where he was. His daughter embarked on a long search to track him down - when she finally found him last Christmas he had advanced dementia but recognised her straight away and was overjoyed to see her again.
 
Anyone else might have given up when faced with the obstacles that Carolyn Stephens encountered. Her widowed father met his new partner on a Saga holiday and very quickly Carolyn worried that she was isolating him from family and friends. She was concerned that her dad, Vincent, was losing mental capacity and arranged through his GP for dementia assessments to be organised. The day before his appointment, Vincent Stephens left his home and effectively disappeared from Carolyn's life. 

Carolyn discovered that he and his new partner had attempted to post wedding bans but had been prevented from doing so by the Chief Registrar for Births Deaths and Marriages, who was worried about his lack of mental capacity. The couple had gone to a solicitor, where he signed a power of attorney giving her control over his financial and medical affairs; his house went up for sale and Carolyn was told by the police that her Dad did not want her to contact him anymore. It soon became apparent that this applied to other family members, who could no longer reach him. 

His family lost contact with him altogether from 2019 and his daughter only found him again in December 2022 after searching through thousands of voter records in the British Library. She discovered that he had been put in a care home at the start of the Covid pandemic and when she got there and made her way towards his bed to hug him, he waved his arms and kept repeating the word 'surprised.' The search she had undertaken was harrowing and exhausting and Carolyn is telling her story in detail for the first time in the hope that it helps others. She is Professor of Global Health at University College London and is campaigning for better provision for the elderly.
 
This documentary focuses on what protection exists when loneliness and mental decline leave people vulnerable to potential abuse. It is estimated that around 3 million people aged 65 and over live alone in the UK and many hope to form new relationships in later life, especially after bereavement or divorce. The danger can come from strangers, lovers, and carers; but it can also be closer to home, from family and friends. The UK charities working in this field are united in wanting better protection and can relay countless stories of elderly people being isolated and losing contact with people who are important to them.

When Carolyn eventually found her father the full impact really hit home: so did her desire to make the most of what little time they had left together. She wants to see safeguarding of elderly people prioritised and is alarmed that protection in key legislation is currently being weakened. This documentary is tied to the BBC Radio 4 series, Million Dollar Lover, which is also presented by Sue Mitchell. It follows the case of an eighty year old woman in America who starts a relationship with a younger lover and sets in motion events which leave her increasingly isolated from those who are concerned about her.

And if you want to hear more on this subject, you can listen to Sue Mitchell's ten part series, Intrigue: Million Dollar Lover, on BBC Sounds. 
We will be following up on the issues raised in future programmes and you can make contact at: sue.mitchell@bbc.co.uk

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